Happy AS a clam. I always think I look better on booze. Not when you are on booze, or even when I'm on booze and looking at myself. I mean when I am not on booze and I'm looking at a video or picture of myself on booze. I look so almost-happy. But I'm generally always happy. I just don't LOOK it. And I really LOOK it when I'm boozing.
Then I remember I was probably doing my damndest to try to look that way. Seriously it takes alot of conscious effort to be social with people. People always want to touch you all of the time. Sometimes they even want to go on and on about their day. Or their day three days ago. Or the day they plan to have FIVE days from now. (I just want to let you know, if you are one of those folks, that I'm not listening. When you started speculating? I stopped listening. I'm nodding at weird times because I DON'T CARE about your dramas or your pets or all of the work you have to do that's not really fair because all the other people you know don't have to work that hard. Please shut up for a second and realize that some people ENVY you that you even GET to have a minimum wage paying job. I would KILL to be able to work a regular job with the regular hours you bitch about having to work. More specifically, I would kill YOU if I thought that might help me to be able to get that job.)
I am not "secretive" because I'm not talking about my day three days ago or five days from now. I don't want to keep you from knowing me. I don't have any special secrets and I'm not playing any special secret games. It's just not important to me. If something is important I will talk about it, yeah?
So what's important? To me? Maybe a scary new book I read about Stalin. Maybe my kid has started talking finally (YAY!) but he's only speaking in Spanish (which I don't understand!) because he watches Dora the Explorer more than he watches Sesame Street. If that ain't the best reason to keep the t.v. locked in the closet, I dunno what is.
Right. So what I started this talking about was that I think I might need to become an alcoholic soon. Even though I personally feel happy and content, people feel that I am not because I don't care enough to communicate that with them. Which I would understand very much and endeavor to remedy if I cared at all what they were thinking or feeling about me. The problem is that I don't. I don't care that you think people MUST smile all day to connote happiness. I don't even care that your efforts to lure me out of my "shell" are of a kind nature. It's not my problem that you have a problem seeing people NOT expressing emotion.
Soon I will have several people in my life that I will need to convey happiness to on a daily basis. It just won't do anymore for me to insist that I am happy despite my everyday face. And I think conformity will be best achieved by boozing it up at least 60% of the time. That's the only time I am internally conflicted enough to want to present a pleasant face to the world. I've got to be actually ill or stressed to make me want to wear a "happy" face to show everyone that I'm still alright.
Or maybe I've got it all wrong. Is that what y'all are doing? Walking around with smiley faces, trying to deter everyone else from noticing the fact that you are truly miserable inside? Smiling when you are not happy at all? Just showing teeth? To let everyone know that you can maintain? Cuz that's kind of the only time it occurs to me to do it.
Right. This is why I don't start. Cuz it neeeeever stops. Well it will stop. I'm stopping it soon. But I've already emptied out all these ramblings (but for what?), no one is the better for me having expounded on them, and you are probably left thinking that I'm unbalanced. Or that I'm hiding something.
I am not unbalanced. I am not hiding anything. I am normal.
Just ask me.
